


Gather Me Back In

by theskywasblue



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, Introspection, Love, M/M, Sanity/insanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-09
Updated: 2010-07-09
Packaged: 2017-10-10 11:36:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskywasblue/pseuds/theskywasblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sound of insanity is complete silence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gather Me Back In

**Author's Note:**

  * For [despina_moon](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=despina_moon).



> Originally written for the [valentine_smut](http://community.livejournal.com/valentine_smut/) giftfic exchange 2010.

_"A sound discretion is not so much indicated by never making a mistake as by never repeating it." - Christian Nestell Bovee_

It's like rain, a great, pounding summer storm in the back of his head, an endless cadence, inescapable. Hakkai knows he cannot will it into silence, he cannot beg it, and he cannot even cover his ears. All it needs to be complete is a crack of thunder or maybe even a crack of bone. Anger and a self-loathing he refuses to allow himself to escape, darkened with jealousy, has narrowed his world to the five points of his fingertips around Banri's wrist; he tightens them little by little and feels the flesh start to give...

_"What're you two doing?"_

Somehow, Gojyo's voice has power like nothing else to penetrate the insanity that threatens to pull him apart. It drags Hakkai's consciousness from the grips of something that he is not ready to understand. This is a talent of Gojyo's that Hakkai is thankful for, particularly now - after all, it would have been a terrible effort to have to clean Banri's internal organs off the ceiling.

"I don't want to hurt anyone, anymore," he tells them. But he fears that's not quite the truth.

***

_"A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key." - Paul Valery_

He can hear Gojyo breathing, steady, but rough, like there's a lump in the back of his throat that he needs to swallow. The small, concrete room smells of blood and other fluids less pleasing to Hakkai's heightened senses - and Gojyo's fear, Hakkai can smell that too, as he stands motionless in the darkness, trying to resist the urge to lick his fingers clean.

He's grateful that the single, bare bulb that was hanging from the ceiling is now lying in fine, glittering pieces on the wet concrete floor. He truly wouldn't want Gojyo to see him this way.

But at the same time, he has two limiter cuffs in the palm of one hand, cool against the skin, which he really doesn't want to put back on. The third is lying on the floor next to Gojyo's shoulder, where some careless foot kicked it. Things are so much clearer this way, brighter; he feels like he has been under water for a very long time, and is only now taking a breath. He can hear, smell and see everything, even in the darkness, even right down to the swirls in the wood of the chair Gojyo is bound to. He wonders what it would be like to step out of the enclosed space, away from the coppery, mould-smelling darkness, and out into the wide world, where the wind would carry all the smells of the village to his nostrils, where the starlight would seem as bright as the sun, where the rain would touch his skin and...

It is the thought of the rain that shocks him back to reality. He cannot stay this way, not forever, this is _not_ him.

He takes a step forward and glass crunches underfoot. Gojyo's breath hitches, and he shifts, anxious, like an animal caught in a trap. Hakkai watches him lick his lips, watches the sparkle of his panic-wide eyes in the darkness and feels something deep inside himself quiver in anticipation - though anticipation of what, exactly, remains a mystery that his rational mind does not wish to explore. Another step, another after that; the closer he gets, the faster Gojyo's heart races. It's dangerously enticing, and Hakkai wonders if Gojyo's blood really _is_ the same colour as his hair. He feels almost sorry that even with his heightened senses there is no colour in the darkness, only variations on black and white.

Standing right next to Gojyo - the toes of his shoes almost touching Gojyo's shoulder - Hakkai takes a deep, heady breath, one that Gojyo echoes almost perfectly, and bends to pick up the last limiter from the floor. In the process, his fingers just barely brush the fabric of Gojyo's shirt and Gojyo shudders.

"Hakkai?"

It's a shock to hear his own name, he had almost forgotten it, and he doesn't dare respond to the call. What would Gojyo say if he knew that he was standing there looking down at him and wondering what the skin on his exposed throat might taste like?

"Hakkai - my arms are starting to hurt pretty bad."

He certainly doesn't whine when he says the words, but there's something so small and needy in Gojyo's voice that Hakkai's better judgement comes back to him immediately. He clips the limiters on his ear, feels the welcoming crush of their control over the immense and terrible power contained within his ruined skin, and kneels on the concrete floor.

"I'm sorry Gojyo - let me get you out of these."

***

_"We should pray for a sane mind in a sound body." - Juvenal _

The sensation, he thinks, is almost akin to living in very close quarters with a complete stranger. Although, if that were the case he would be hard-pressed to say which one of them was the true _stranger_; so perhaps that's not precisely it. Really, it's more like living in very close quarters with an old lover, the romance long gone sour, forever walking on eggshells, mired in old pain, bumping shoulders and trading pleasantries when you really want to scream.

He doesn't tell any of this to Gojyo, of course. Gojyo gives him enough cautious looks, expends enough time and energy worrying about his sanity. Whatever it is they have together, its form and substance is as fragile as spun glass. At least, that is the outward appearance of it. Part of Hakkai knows that underneath everything it is far stronger than anyone would give it credit for, though he feels he will never understand why.

Gojyo seems to know when these thoughts eat away at Hakkai. The truth is that it must be reasonably obvious, laid out in silence, or terse words, or just a tension between his shoulder blades. It must roost particularly there, as that is where Gojyo's hand always goes first-off.

"You're fine," Gojyo tells him, "don't let anyone say that you're not."

"Aren't I allowed to judge my own sanity, Gojyo?"

"Nah, man." His hand rubs slow circles across Hakkai's back, and Hakkai finds he cannot keep the tension. He leans against the edge of the sink and lets his breath come naturally for what feels like the first time in days. "You'd let yourself get lost too easy."

"And what..." Hakkai cuts the question with a deep breath that seems to rattle in his lungs, "what will you do if one day I _am_ lost?"

Gojyo's rough palm makes a _shhh, shhh_ noise on the soft cotton of Hakkai's shirt, "Find you, of course." He pauses. "And kick your ass for making me worry."

***

_"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. " - Agnes de Mille_

Gojyo's hand slides across Hakkai's back, fingertips finding the hair spiked wet with sweat along the back of his neck, then higher, his pinkie grazing the shell of Hakkai's ear. Hakkai tips his head forward, working hard to resist the urge to shake Gojyo's hand off, trying not to think of what might happen if Gojyo's fingers were to slip...

But they do not. Gojyo's fingers are as steady and sure as his thrusts; they tangle in Hakkai's hair, drag along his neck and grip his shoulder, all the while sparking hidden nerve clusters, and Hakkai is breathing so hard and fast that his chest aches.

Despite how vehemently - and honestly - he promised himself he would never rely on another person for his sense of sanity, Hakkai often feels that Gojyo is the only thing that holds him together; that the moments they share, whether casual or carnal, are the only ones in which he is entirely whole. It worries him, when he has time to reflect upon it (and the truth of the matter is that he is always _making_ time to reflect) not only because the results were so disastrous the last time, but because the potential for disaster is exponentially higher now that he is no longer human.

"Hakkai..." A wet exhalation against the back of Hakkai's shoulder chased by and brush of lips, and Hakkai's thoughts come spiralling back to the moment. His body welcomes him with a dizzying rush of sensation - Gojyo's fingertips digging into his shoulder, Gojyo's lips on the back of his neck, all of Gojyo around and inside him, pulling pleasure through him in long waves. Gojyo's voice is thickened with desire, though there is nothing in what is becoming the mantra of Hakkai's name it that absolutely demands response. Gojyo is not the sort to demand anything; he gives eagerly of his home, his food, his meagre poker winnings, even his body. A less scrupulous person might take everything that Gojyo is willing to give and more besides, leave him bereft; and Gojyo would suffer such mistreatment without complaint. Hakkai, however, wants for little and expects even less.

"Gojyo..." Hakkai answers finally, tipping his head until Gojyo's lips find the line of his jaw in a gracelessly perfect kiss. Hakkai bows his back, lets his knees slide on the sheets, opens himself entirely to Gojyo and is shocked to realize that he feels no fear at the prospect of coming undone.

The musical cadence of Gojyo's breathing and senseless murmurings call Hakkai back from the abyss of a fabulous orgasm, though he finds himself understandably reluctant to leave the embrace of a darkness that doesn't contain some whispering threat. Gojyo lies across his back, peppering his neck, his jaw, the shell of his ear, and even those three metal cuffs with small, easy kisses.

"Hey - Hakkai - you still alive?"

It seems a foolish question to ask, but it occurs to Hakkai that Gojyo has been speaking for quite some time, and the words are only now beginning to reach his ears.

"Quite alive," he manages. And he is - his heart is pounding quite fiercely, his lungs drawing in air like they never have before.

"You took so long to answer I thought you couldn't hear me," Gojyo mumbles, punctuating the admission with a small, breathless laugh.

"Mmm..." Hakkai answers, "no, I heard."

-End-


End file.
